This'll be my second time critiquing on one of your works, I hope I can do it justice.
Vision: In terms of actual vision, this poem is longer than your usual pieces, so I like how that fact is able to give the reader more time to "paint" a picture of who you may be referring to. Versus having to maybe read over the piece several times before the feeling you're attempting to get across is actually perceived.
Originality: Of course, I only give four stars because this is a reoccurring theme in some places of the music industry, but..! I firmly believe there is something unique about your piece, and that it deserves to be read by more writers; as with many of your other works.
Technique: You already know from my last critique that I am a fan of your style of writing. The short, meaningful phrases give off the feeling you're trying to portray without getting it drenched in the easily convoluted tendencies of the English language. The occasional rhymes help give it a nice rhythm, without going overboard like something by Dr. Suess.
Impact: I will speak honestly when I say this practically blew me away. (Hah, now you have me rhyming too.) Especially the last four to six stanzas, which really "took the cake" for me. I am amazed of the amount of depth you are able to get across in such short pieces.
Fantastic job, again! There are little errors here and there, when applying the rules of literature and technical prose, but they are so little that only a keenly-trained eye could find them.
Keep up the good work! I look forward to seeing more.